I Make 43 Years in 7 days. I Decided to Stop Doing Things Angry ...

I make 43 in seven days. And I have decided that 43 is the year I stop doing things angry. That is a bigger deal than it sounds. Stay with me.

I am an 80s baby from humble beginnings aka not so great childhood. You know exactly what that means. You figure out early that nobody is coming so you better get moving. I got moving. I have been moving ever since. Loudly. Stubbornly. With a lot to prove and too many people in my mind to prove it to.

I built things out of anger. I made decisions out of spite. I showed up to situations like I had something to settle.

Honestly? It worked. For a long time it worked beautifully. Spite is a very underrated tool. I do not recommend it long term. It is unsustainable.

This year I knocked on a door I was absolutely certain would open.

Some of you knew about it. I was excited. I had the whole thing mapped out in my head. The door did not open.

Now. I am an Aries. My favorite movie as a kid was Firestarter. I do not journal  (working on that.) I do not do breathework (my husband is making sure this changes.) My first instinct was to burn it all down. Not literally. Figuratively.

So that tells you exactly where I was.

I also had a list of people I wanted to call, DM, and put on front street. Several very specific things I wanted to say to each of them.

Instead I cried.

I called my closest people and vented for hours. Like full three hour calls. Vulnerable, sad, and angry all at the same time.

Did not see that coming. Zero stars. Very inconvenient. Happened anyway.

Here is the part I have to be honest about....

I was embarrassed that I had to ask in the first place. And I could not believe how unlovingly cruel the response was.

Now I know we throw the word gaslighting around a lot. It has become the word for everything. But I want to be specific here because what I experienced was the actual definition. I started questioning my own reality. Wondering if I was the problem. Wondering if I was making myself a victim when maybe I was actually the villain.

So I did something I think more people should do.

I called around. I asked the people in my life who would tell me the truth with zero hesitation. The ones who have looked me dead in my face before and said Terrell you are dead wrong.

I am a tough love kind of girl. I was prepared for that answer. I genuinely braced myself for it.

Every single one of them confirmed my feelings were both justified and valid...

That was both a relief and somehow made it worse. Because now I could not fix it by changing myself. Or so I thought.

I wanted to stay mad. I wanted to make a whole declaration. Never asking for anything from anybody ever again. Officially. In writing. Notarized. I wanted to prove that again I DON'T NEED ANYONE.

But something shifted.

There is an African proverb that says if you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

I have been going fast. Fast got me here. I am grateful for fast.
But I want to go far now.

I want to be clear about something here. I have not done this alone. Not even close. There are people who have shown up for me in ways I will never be able to fully repay.

People who believed in this before I did on the days I forgot to.

What I mean when I say I do not ask for help is that I do not ask for what I actually need. I will let people help with the small things and carry the heavy thing by myself in silence. I will let someone hand me water but refuse to say I am drowning.

That is the part I am working on.

Being fiercely independent is a gift. The people around me are a gift. But backing yourself into a corner and refusing to name what you actually need is not strength.

That is just fear with a great outfit on.

Nothing is wrong with asking for help. ...What you have to be prepared for is someone not showing up. Not because you were wrong to ask. But because people have limits and some doors are just not yours to walk through.

Every good salesperson will tell you that no is not bad. Every no gets you closer to yes.

I know this. I have lived this.

The magic is not in the yes. The magic is in what you do when the no comes. You can't let it harden you. It does not change how you love on people.  You keep going. You keep giving. Because that is who you are.

That is who I am.

Here is what I know now.

I have spent my whole life building from anger. That energy got me here and I am grateful for it.

But I do not want to build the next chapter from that place. I want to do the next thing because I love it. 

Just joy. All around.

Terrell